Actual item: I’ve been tapped to take part in a “celebrity goat milking contest” at this year’s county fair. There will be friends, family and a small cadre of high school cheerleaders rooting me on. I have never touched a goat. It has all the makings of bad summer movie ...
“IN A WORLD WHERE SUCCESS IS MEASURED BY THE OUNCE ...”
“Baahhh!”
“... ONE MAN WILL PUT HIMSELF TO THE ULTIMATE TEST ...”
“K-Cool! K-Cool! He’s our man!”
“... TO DO HIS BEST ...”
“That’s your milking style? What have you been practicing on — yourself?”
“... TO GET HIS GOAT.”
“I need a new goat — this one’s obviously empty.”
“THIS SUMMER, A GRUMPY, MIDDLE-AGED APPRENTICE PUNDIT ...”
“We didn’t have goats where I grew up, OK? We had supermarkets!”
“... THE WOMAN HE LOVES ...”
“Get away from me — you smell like ‘goat!’”
“... HIS MOTHER ...”
“Actually, I’m not sure if he’s mine.”
“... A GAGGLE OF SUPER-HOT CHEERLEADERS ...”
“The girls around here are, like, skanky.”
“... A PAIR OF FARMERS ...”
“How long has he been trying to get milk out of that thing?”
“Ten minutes."
“Should we tell him it’s a male?”
“... THE DAIRY PRINCESS ...”
“The cheerleaders said what!?”
“... AN ANIMAL-RIGHTS ACTIVIST ...”
“I’ve seen donkeys on high-diving boards; I’ve seen chimpanzees shot out of canons; but I’ve never seen an animal mistreated like that!”
“... A CAMPAIGNING SENATE CANDIDATE ...”
“And so I say, after witnessing that goat-milking contest, if you send me to Washington, my first act will be to propose — what was that goat’s name? Doozy-Mae? — to propose ‘Doozy-Mae’s Law!’”
“... MEMBERS OF 4-H ...”
“I hope he writes better than he milks.”
“Doubt it — on his entry form, he spelled ‘county’ with a ‘6.’”
“... AND A GOAT NAMED DOOZY-MAE ...”
“Baahhh!”
“... STAR IN THE COMEDY EVENT OF THE SEASON.”
“If God had wanted us to drink goat’s milk he would have made it a cocktail ingredient!”
“‘GO(a)T MILK?’ ... COMING AUGUST 16.”
“What, you’ve never had a mar-goat-rita?”
Contact Messenger Post managing editor Kevin Frisch’s column at (585) 394-0770, ext. 257, or via e-mail at kfrisch@messengerpostmedia.com.
