Kerry G. FitchI am writing this in response to the crescendo of parent behavior displayed at Youth Sports events. My oldest son began playing Youth Sports when he was 4, and he is now 13. When he was 4, I would have described many Youth Sports parents as ridiculous and insane; perhaps even laughable. Were these parents for real? Surely they knew that if our team lost a game or if their child made a mistake, they would still have access to clean drinking water, favored streaming subscription, and a roof over their head. Now I would describe many parent behaviors as unthinkable and insufferable, feeling an intense urge to tell them to “ Relax!” Last Saturday in particular moved me to write this letter. Our Youth Lacrosse program hosted a Round Robin style tournament, and my 13-year-old was one of many modified lacrosse players who refed the games. Was my 13-year-old a perfect ref? No. Was he doing as good of a job as an adult, or professional ref? Also, no. But he was engaged, running up and down the field, and making calls to the best of his ability. Meanwhile, the opposing team parents were outside their minds with criticism and noxious yelling at the 13-year-old ref. Readers. You know why we had a 13-year-old refereeing a 3rd and 4th grade Youth Lacrosse game, right? Because no adult wants to subject themselves to the toxic outpouring of verbal garbage coming from youth parents. It’s hard to find refs. Our home team was only supportive, thankfully, and I was so proud and humbled to be a Penn Yan community member. But I don’t need to tell you that in general, Youth Sports parents can be a tough crowd, no matter the sport or town. A respected colleague of mine who is a wildly successful coach, and someone I look up to, recently mentioned to me that it would be “easier to coach a team full of orphans.” Adults, we have a job-and that is to parent our children. Not coach them from the sidelines like tactless maniacs. Youth Sports. Youth before sports. It is not about parents or adults. It is about the youth. We should be honoring the child’s age and development before the sport. If you are grinding your teeth as you read this, asking “Well, what about skill development?!” or “How are they supposed to learn?!” I would highly recommend you tend to your inner child, take care of yourself, and join an adult sports league of your choosing to channel your energy in a healthy way. Living through your child will only bring emotional hardship and resentment later on due to your emotional invasiveness. My husband and I have both coached at several levels; youth sports, modified, JV and Varsity. There is intensity that is reserved for young adults, and there is excitement and enthusiasm that is used for youth. When we have coached youth, we steadfastly asked ourselves one question and one question only: What will make kids want to keep coming back to this program? The answers revolve around: having fun, practice being comfortably hard, kids finding a healthy challenge, and learning to work together. Although we are unfailingly human and make several mistakes on the daily, we have never considered any of the following to be a contributor of success: youth being screamed at by their parents (or any adults on the sidelines), hearing profanities, guttural yelling, or shaming. No professional athlete, or successful athlete of any level, is thanking a community member or parent who was screaming at them like a banshee and undoing the intentional coaching of the actual coach. I also have yet to read of a professional or successful athlete that credits their elementary grade level team as the critical junction of their sports career. I feel compelled to remind you, if your child makes a mistake, that is a great thing. It means they are learning, or about to learn. I also feel compelled to remind you that if your child makes a mistake, your child is the one making the mistake. Not you. Only the learner can do the learning. You cannot fix it for them (no matter how loud you yell). Yelling and screaming at a child does not guarantee that they will be a good player. In fact, it may only guarantee that they become a horrific teammate. Children echo the words they hear and see modeled for them. You may be reading this and thinking, “I cannot hold back because I am too passionate!” or “I cannot help it that I am intense!” or “Everyone wants to baby the kids these days! I am toughening them up!” Readers, I am all for managing emotions and believe that feelings are for feeling. But who is out on the field? Our coaches (with a job to do, that they are trying their best at) and our youth-with one short precious childhood. Do you want to actively choose to stuff it with memories of you screaming at them, their teammates, their coach or the ref? My husband is a true athlete. I am truly not. We both played Division III collegiate sports. Athleticism was in his bloodline and DNA, while I had to commit to mental fortitude in order to find success. We each choose to work hard and forge our own paths-because we wanted to. For neither of us, a screaming parent on the sideline, or a meddling parent who did not trust a coach, contributed to our success. I daresay if you ask any successful athlete, they would agree. We have two children who are exceedingly different than each other. If they choose to play sports…great. And if not…great. My husband and I have had our youth. It’s time for theirs. The only thing you’ll hear me saying on the sideline to them, or their teammates, is reminiscent of “Nice job!” or “Nice try!”, interspersed with empathetic groans or enthusiastic cheering. And after the game, the only thing you hear me say is, “Thank you, Coach”. I challenge you to do the same. Youth Sports. Youth before Sports. Let us remember. Kerry Fitch is a teacher at Penn Yan Middle School. She graduated from Keuka College in 2005 where she played Division III Women’s Volleyball. She has coached youth sports, modified, and Volleyball, and served as a Penn Yan Youth Lacrosse Board member.
