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Jest a Moment column: Trump’s parting letter to Biden

Nick Thomas
More Content Now USA TODAY NETWORK
Miami News Record

Columns share an author’s personal perspective.

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There was much speculation that outgoing President Donald Trump would not leave a personal letter of welcome to incoming President Joe Biden in the Oval Office desk. But he did, although it may take some time before the contents are made public. What parting words of wisdom might the former president have passed on? Perhaps something like this:

“First, I have a favor to ask. Mike forgot to take the garbage out last night. Pickup is Friday, so do you mind? Oh, and watch out for the flypaper in his office.

You will have disappointments as president. I did, like when I first walked into the Cabinet Room - and there were no cabinets. And don’t go looking for Martin Sheen, either. It took me two years before I realized he was in another ‘West Wing.’

Speaking of rooms, we were not impressed with the White House Game Room and Donald Jr. was especially disappointed - there were no animals to shoot. And I still don’t get why there’s a China Room in the White House. Why not name it after a friendly country? Besides, someone left a bunch of old dinner plates in there, so I tossed them. Anyway, it’s now the Russia Room. And as for the Treaty Room, what a joke! There were no treats.

Oh, on the subject of food, sorry about the KFC grease stains on the Lincoln bedspread.

I do have one complaint. I really didn’t appreciate you and Barack leaving ‘Psycho’ on a permanent film loop in the East Wing Family Theater room. So, I’m returning the favor. Hope you enjoy ‘Apocalypse Now.’ I also left some boxes in the closet, full of 10,000 red baseball caps I no longer have a need for. You might be able to use them. With a Sharpie, you can repurpose them to read ‘Make America Greet Again.’

There are many White House traditions you will enjoy as president. Just remember, when Thanksgiving comes around and you’re handing out the turkey pardons, don’t forget me. Another is having a pet in the White House. People said I should get a dog because every president needs one faithful best friend that will come when called, roll over and play ball. But I didn’t need one. I had a Rudy Giuliani.

Oh yes, I almost forgot. I changed the shower heads in all 35 White House bathrooms. They now each deliver around 100 gallons a minute - that’s a real shower. But before all your whiny conservationist pals get their plumbing in a knot, I had the water disconnected from the municipal supply and hooked it up to a pond behind the Capitol Building. Just another election promise I kept - to drain the swamp in DC.

Finally, sorry about the welcome note I started to scratch into the Resolute desk with my pocket knife. When they first told me I was supposed to leave a message for you in the desk, how did I know they meant on paper?”

Nick Thomas has written features, columns, and interviews for over 850 newspapers and magazines. See www.getnickt.org.